(edited)
Dear -,
Awakening is awakening in the dream and awakening out of the dream. I am at the first.
What does it feel like? Well, I had anxiety and depression for twenty years. Anxiety is gone. The psychological unhappiness of depression is gone. I can operate in the world from a place of calm and peace. There is very little fear (although there is a little) and I am not attached to the outcome of desires, seeing desires as fear turned outward.
It’s nice.
However, this is not full awakening, and moreover, it is not important.
The most direct technique is self-inquiry. I have not written much about this because I am new to it. I have known about self-inquiry from Ramana Mahrishi and Nisargadatta, and it’s probably written about elsewhere. But I did not actually try it until recently.
That’s how the mind works. It is good at hiding.
The things I’ve talked about are useful–awareness and releasing will help you let go of worries and the anger you talk about, and it will teach you how to observe.
Self-inquiry is just observance. Just looking. Look inside, at yourself. You will ask, well, how do I do that, I don’t know what it means, where do I start, what will happen, why? This is of course the mind. Looking is just that, just looking. We do it all the time. The only thing to do is turn the direction inward, taking a step back, and observe yourself. Not yourself in action, just yourself. The idea or feeling of you–observe that, and stay with it.
There’s no particular goal, the goal is the looking itself. Things will happen, changes will happen, but you cannot control or predict these outcomes. Whatever happens if fine, because it’s irrelevant to the inquiry. Just keep looking.
The problem is mis-identification. You are not who you think you are. So the best way to see this lie is to look directly at yourself, inside.
As far as your particular problem about getting angry, note that you said “you should not be getting angry.” This is not true. Anger is a natural, built-in reaction–it’s how we handle it which can be a problem.
Releasing will help you with anger. Any emotion is an association of thoughts and body sensations. When anger comes up, you can note that there are physical symptoms, like hotness and fast heart beat and a tightening of muscles and you can feel it in your entire body. Observe body sensations, observe thoughts, and allow the anger to come, without resistance, let it be, and ask yourself if you can let it go. The answer maybe no at first, and that’s fine. You keep doing this each time, and soon you will understand that letting go of anger is a decision.
Of course we must be responsible in how we express our emotions. My suggestion is when you get angry at someone it is best if you walk away and be alone. And then you can try releasing it as I have described.
However, remember that releasing will help you but it is not a direct technique. The direct technique is to look inside, look at yourself, and stay with the looking.
John Sherman (google him) is very good at describing looking.
I hope you find value in this.
Let me know how it goes.
Kaushik